Friday, August 26, 2011
Joke's on me.
Dear diary,
I should have poured Milo on the both of them when I saw them together that day. I should have embarrassed her, made her feel like the cheapened fool I saw her as then. Gained that closure I so badly yearned. But I didn't, so sue me.
I should have set boundaries from the very beginning. If you were her friend, you wouldn't be mine. But I didn't, so it's my fault.
I should never have been emotionally dependent on someone who was neutral, for she would never understand what I go through. But I did, so I am to blame.
It's not easy feeling like you have to compete for attention. Especially so when you give someone your full attention. I constantly feel upset when they choose that disgusting traitorous lowlife over me. I value friendship, I don't know about her though. Uh hello, I'm a prime example of how much she values friendship?
I have decided. I am not going to care anymore. I am going to relieve them of their burden. It's not their fault, they feel stretched between the two so much, and it's obvious I'm never gonna be the first option. It is not possible to divide care and love equally. My mum openly admits she loves me brother more than me, they're not even mothers. From now on, they can be hers forever.
I won't lie, I won't say I don't need them. But I will say that if I needed them, I wouldn't be able to ask them for help because of whatshername.
Sue me for being emotional. I'd like to think with my head all the time, I'd be completely heartless, but that's about impossible. Because I genuinely care. I believe people only grow together. I share secrets because I want someone there for me who would understand me.
But my friendship will always be undermined.
With Love,
