Monday, May 30, 2011
Sorry for apologizing.
I have been thinking about some social conventions and protocols recently. Take for example the whole act of apology and asking for forgiveness. Social convention states that a guilty party says "sorry" and the discretion then lies on the 'victim' (for the lack of a better name) to accept the apology. This system is so arbitrary that it is flawed in so many ways, it's no wonder why people are still fighting and countries still have tension built from pre-ancient history.
The first question that should be asked before indulging in this norm is "What defines who is guilty?" In some cases, the answer is pretty obvious. If you killed a guy, it's obvious you have to say sorry to his family members. Some situations are much more tricky. Some claim that an incident might caused as much damage as death. How do you measure something as intangible as emotional repercussions? How do you even weigh such guilt? Another tricky situation is when ethics and morality come into the equation. Who defines what's right and wrong? Some cases are obvious, and the human conscience clearly demarcates the boundaries then. For other cases, it's another arbitrary measure of who is "wronger" or "righter". Again, no clear yardstick for that. So it's open to so many different types of abuses.
The second question is, "Is sorry enough?". See, this is an interesting question I've been debating with in my mind. Is it really enough to say sorry after killing someone? Or steal from someone? Or hurting someone? That all depends on two things, what you aim to achieve after your apology is accepted, and what the "victim" wants from you after that. Let's assume someone says sorry out of guilt or repentance, is the apology then nothing but a selfish move to get rid of this guilty conscience bugging them? A plausible consideration indeed, how is anyone to decipher what an apology means? What if it doesn't come from the heart, but rather is aimed to achieve something shallow and self-centered? Is "sorry" enough to gauge if someone understands what went wrong? Let's consider the recipient now. If someone apologizes to you, the natural tendency is to forgive. "Forgive and forget", a quote I used to adhere to. Is that even possible? You can accept the apology, but what exactly does accepting the apology consist of? Does it mean negating whatever happened? Does it mean no longer blaming someone for something they did? Or does it mean trying to put yourself in the guilty person's shoes and forcing yourself to understand the circumstances?
Do you understand the heavy responsibility of accepting an apology? To some people, it may be a few words saying "it's okay", followed by a period of silent bitterness. Is that even fair to either party? Once you accept an apology, you send across the message that you advocate such actions if they are accompanied by an apology in the future. So unless that's what you really mean, people shouldn't be so dumb to accept every damn apology that comes their way. Sometimes, sorry isn't enough, and it's okay to admit that it isn't enough. Don't torture yourself by being fake. You'll kill yourself by pretending that you're okay with it. And it's only gonna harm the respect people have for you. Contrary to popular belief, accepting an apology is not necessarily a noble and mature move.
In the end, you ask yourself how then should stuff be resolved? A simple solution is to never ever be an ass to the people who mean anything to you. Never ever hurt someone intentionally or unintentionally. If you do something dumb like that despite having common sense, just save your energy and don't even try apologizing. Waste of time, and trust me you're only building up more "anti" sentiments. If people forgive you after you do something horrible to them, they are either saints or out to hurt you twice as much. It's dumb that this whole "apology" cycle creates more loopholes for revenge seeking than when people don't say sorry. Next time you say sorry to someone, be sure you really mean it, because of your track record is horrible, even wiping you off the face if this Earth wouldn't be enough. So much for "sorry". The only time a person is truly sorry is when he/she goes through what you went through, and realizes that. Any other apology is probably made in china.
With Love,
