Tuesday, October 19, 2010
We are not what you think we are.
I always thought I knew myself.
Like, I was the one in control of myself. Now, I feel myself losing grip on who I am and who I choose to be. I don't like it. I have to change it.
I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like feeling emotions. It's not me, and I'm scared. If I leave myself open to the world, people will attack me, where it hurts most. Just like Sir says,
"Your guarding block must be on you all the time. Your opponent just wants
to kill you. It's up to you if you're going to let him."
It's also not fun. Not fun to be judged under a negative light by people you don't know. Not fun to constantly feel like you owe it to the world for them seeing you the way you are. Not fun to be sorry for something you can't change. Not fun to be blamed for something that isn't your fault. Not fun to have to work so damn hard to build an impression that others earn in the first few seconds. Not fun to go through what I have gone through.
I put up a brave face. I am strong, usually. Even walls have cracks, though hairline. After awhile, when you find out that the same comments erode you all the time, you just feel like letting go and being washed downstream as a whole. I'm tired of dealing with bullshit from people I barely know, and I hate how much it affects me.
I forgive and forget. It's against my principles to judge or even criticise strangers. I won't change that for those who do not do the same. I will be stronger than them.
